Have it Your Way: The Sequel
a.k.a. I Drink Your Milkshake
Life is short. Let’s not waste any more of it with long introductions1.
Which fast food joint has the best milkshakes?
I’m going to go on a limb and say that the milkshake is easily the most important part of many fast food meal combinations, because of it’s inherent versatility. It’s a drink and it’s also a dessert. There are various flavors and various ways to customize a shake. There are Jamocha shakes2. There are Shamrock Shakes. There are Master Shakes.
Basically, a milkshake is everything that you want it to be, and it’s also much more.
Once again, I have to acknowledge Shake Shack ignorance, so don’t take my omission of them personally. When I do get the pleasure of trying them out, I might have to re-evaluate this, because I hear Shake Shack is doing what the others only dream about.
But for now, I’m going to have to bestow this honor to Steak n’ Shake for two reasons:
Like Shake Shack, it’s in their name. You don’t just put something in your name and not be good at doing that thing. Why put that kind of pressure on yourself?
The flavors and mix-ins are top notch, and the shakes themselves manage to hit that sweet spot of not being too thick and not being too watery. This is important. Texture is everything when it comes to milkshakes. If I can’t drink it through the straw, I may as well have just gotten a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. If it just shoots up the straw like milk, then I could have just grabbed a bottle of Nesquik.
Worst milkshakes?
Texture-wise, it’s Culver’s. They taste great, but I’ve never met a straw strong enough to take on that custard head-on. Them folks take “Concrete Mixer” to heart.
In general, it’s McDonald’s. This includes the aforementioned Shamrock Shake, which tastes like someone squirted a tube of Aquafresh into a cup of whipped cream.
Also, McDonald’s shakes always taste warm and melty. Even when they’re made fresh, I can’t shake the feeling that they’ve been sitting there, pre-made, waiting for someone to order one. They’re disappointingly underwhelming in every single way possible.
Most underrated item on a menu?
I’m a Filet-O-Fish truther. I am on the record as such. If someone told me that I had to renounce the Filet-O-Fish or else I would be tossed into the eye of an active volcano, I … would greatly consider both options before ultimately renouncing the sandwich.
Like, I would take a good few minutes to think it out first. That’s how much I love it.
Discontinued menu item that should be brought back?
@TACOBELL BRING BACK THE LOADED POTATO GRILLER, YOU COWARDS!
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SIT HERE AND ANNOUNCE THAT POTATOES ARE COMING BACK TO THE MENU, BUT THEN INSTANTLY HURT MY FEELINGS AGAIN BY LEAVING THE LOADED POTATO GRILLER OFF OF SAID MENU?
THAT’S COWARDICE. THAT’S JUST 100 PERCENT COWARD BEHAVIOR.
QUESARITO HIVE IS OUT HERE EATING GOOD, BUT MEANWHILE, I’M SITTING HERE IN THE CRIB TRYING TO MAKE MY OWN CHEESY POTATO GRILLERS. MINE ARE FINE, BUT OBVIOUSLY SUBSTANDARD IN MANY WAYS.
THIS WILL NOT STAND, TACO BELL. THIS. WILL NOT. STAND.
#MAKEFOURTHMEALGREATAGAIN
Who won the Great Chicken Sandwich War of 2019?
Do you remember when Popeye’s came out with their chicken sandwich?
Do you remember when that was a thing that held our collective attention for a longer time that it probably should have? You remember when they had Black Friday-esque lines, wildly overworked employees, and even fights and stabbings over this sandwich?
Seems like this was all forever ago, thanks to the pandemic. But nope, only two years have passed since The Sandwich was out here doing Pokémon numbers.
I only had the Popeye’s sandwich once. Every other time I tried, they were always out of bread or the chicken itself, but on one fateful night, I got my hands on one. I held that joint like it was Turbo Man. Out here hugging and kissing it, like precious cargo.
Then I ate it, and it’s hands down the best of all the chicken sandwiches in the streets3.
Yes, this includes Chick-fil-A, which would taste a lot better if they hadn’t spent years relying so much on their secret ingredient: blatant homophobia.
Popeye’s has the upper hand because the chicken is crisper, juicer and seasoned, their brioche buns are better, and the fact that they use mayo. Mayonnaise is a real hit or miss thing for some people, which I understand. Too much of it ruins your sandwich.
Then there are the horrible times when someone mistakes Miracle Whip for mayo and you end up taking a mouthful of sadness with each bite of your now pathetic sandwich. Is that the “miracle” of Miracle Whip? Magically making good things way, way worse?
Anyway. Popeye’s gets the W. Miracle Whip takes another L. Life goes on as normal.
Is Long John Silver’s good or nah?
I feel like Long John Silver’s gets a bad rep these days because people think they’re too good to admit that they bought seafood from a restaurant that serves Fried Twinkies.
I’ll admit that I felt this way for a very long time. After all, I once paid market price for lobster tail during dinner before senior year homecoming4. It was at that moment where I felt I outgrew Long John Silver’s and their hush puppies and chicken planks.
My palate was far too refined to stoop to that level ever again! Never again, I say!
Of course I was wrong. It took one taste of those crispy little pieces of crispy fried … skin things5 that come with each meal to instantly be transported back to the good ol’ days of slathering the hush puppies in ketchup, and demolishing the fish and chicken combos within record time. These were days when life was simpler. I miss those days.
So yes, start putting some respect on Long John Silver’s name. Our last LJS closed a couple years ago, and honestly, it ain’t been the same since.
It’s like they say: you don’t know how much you miss something until it’s gone. And yo, there are days where I really miss those hush puppies.
Translation: “I’m lazy and don’t feel like writing an intro.”
The Jamocha shake is one of very few highlights on the Arby’s menu. How can it not be? It’s ice cream and coffee combined – two of my most favorite things!
Was it good enough to kill a dude over? No, of course not. But it was good.
This is not a brag, but rather a testament to me making poor decisions. When I asked for the lobster tail, the server’s eyes bugged and she gave me a “Yo, are you deadass?” look.
These are apparently called “Crumblies,” which I learned approximately 10 seconds ago.