This is going to be a two-part newsletter. This is the first part (duh) and the second part will come out at a later date.
Not next week, but maybe the week after? Or the week after that?
All I know is that I want this to have two parts, because as I was working on this newsletter, I realized there were far too many things to go over in just one post.
Things like the Chicken Sandwich War, and milkshakes, and non-burger-and-fries fast food restaurants like Taco Bell and KFC, and Long John Silver’s.
Honestly, a whole book could be written about Long John Silver’s. I’m not the one to write it, but I am the one to start the conversation about it.
Anyway. This is the first part of the fast food newsletter. Stay tuned for the second.
McDonaldland characters or the Burger King Kids Club?
McDonaldland gets the W here because the characters are far more memorable. Birdie, Grimace1, the Hamburglar – who, if you think about it, probably wouldn’t be so susceptible to recidivism if Mayor McCheese2 enacted policies to help invest in his future instead of criminalizing him for being hungry – and, of course, Ronald.
However, the BK Kids Club deserves a shout out for the group’s diversity. Mind you, I had to Google all of their names because I could not recall, but I do distinctly remember that this ragtag group featured a Black kid, a Latino kid, and a kid who used a wheelchair as members. This might not seem like as big of a deal now, but I guarantee that kind of representation meant something to someone back then.
Also, not that this matters some 20-plus years later, but who made Kid Vid the leader of the Kids Club? His sole personality trait was that he was destined to become a very good manager at Circuit City one day.
That lead spot should have rightfully gone to I.Q. or Boomer, but alas.
What fast food joint has the best hamburgers?
For me, the hierarchy goes as such:
Whataburger
Five Guys
Wendy’s
Steak n’ Shake. (I’m an Illinois boy, so I gotta show love to the Frisco Melt.)
I feel like I need to acknowledge that I can’t speak on In-N-Out, Fatburger, or Shake Shack since I’ve never been to any of those places before.
I’m pointing this out because it seems like whenever the internet has a debate about the best burger joints, those three are always in the conversation. I don’t want anyone thinking I’ve committed an act of snubbery or that I have an underdeveloped palate.
But anyway. Whataburger is at the top because I don’t remember savoring a fast food burger more than the time I grabbed a double with cheese in Panama City, Florida.
The first bite was like Heaven. The second bite was as if I ascended past Heaven and into an unknown realm beyond our comprehension. Eating the rest of it felt like I just floated in that indescribably void and let it wash over me.
The juiciest of the juicy was in my hands, and then it was gone. That’s why seeing this on my computer screen was three kicks to an already bruised shin.
What fast food joint has the worst hamburgers?
White Castle. It’s 100 percent White Castle. Shoot, let’s bump it up to 115 percent.
Ain’t nobody trying to eat steamed meat, man. This ain’t The Simpsons. I’m neither Harold nor Kumar. The one time in my life that I ever had White Castle, I instantly regretted doing so the moment that squishy, gray mass they call a slider patty hit my stomach. I wished I could have had an out-of-body experience so I could have slapped myself in the face for wasting hard earned money on a hot bag of garbage.
If you do claim White Castle, and rock steady with the Crave Box gang, that’s between you, your body, and the Lord. But it’s a “no” from me, dawg. I just can’t do it.
Dishonorable mention goes to Hardee’s for having the audacity to sell people big discs of Kingsford charcoal and tell them that they’re quote-unquote “thickburgers,” and also to McDonald’s, where the hamburgers are serviceable and edible, but nowhere near the dictionary definition of “quality.”
Like, the Big Mac is 95 percent bun and secret sauce. There’s a reason for this. They figure they can mask the mediocrity of the their burger patties with bread.
What other reason does there need to be an extra slice of bread in between the patties?
Ronald and them ain’t slick. They can’t fool nobody.
Blizzard or McFlurry?
Ask yourself, when was the last time you ate a McFlurry? Seriously. I honestly don’t remember. Like, I would rather eat any other dessert item3 on the menu than a tiny cup of substandard ice cream that you can barely get because “the machine is down.”
The Blizzard is the perfect ice cream concoction. The soft serve is good. The variety of mix-ins is unmatched4. And, no matter the time or occasion, it always hits the spot.
What’s the best place to eat when you’re down bad?
To be “down bad” basically means that you’re at a wildly low point in your life.
So with that said, if you ever, EVER hear me talking about ordering Arby’s or see me with an Arby’s bag in my hand filled with food that I bought on my own volition and not because someone threatened to leak some embarrassing photos of me or something like that, it’s a sign that ALL IS NOT WELL IN MY LIFE.
If we’re having a nice conversation and then I randomly say something about how I ordered a Beef n’ Cheddar with extra Horsey Sauce because I like the kick, just know that I might need a pep talk, or a bucket of cold water poured over my head.
Arby’s is the last option, and it will ALWAYS be the last option when they’re churning out monstrosities like the Meat Mountain.
However, if you’re having a bad day and just want to eat something that’s not even remotely nutritious, but it hits that spot on the edge of comfort, it’s the right choice.
Happy Meal or Mighty Kids Meal?
I need y’all to understand the change that was inspired within me the moment I saw an ad for the Mighty Kids Meal for the first time.
I believe I was about six years old, and I probably was watching Nickelodeon (as I did every day) when it first popped up on the screen. The basic gist behind it was that a Mighty Kids was like a Happy Meal, but for older kids. What does that mean, exactly? Nothing really, except that the portions were slightly bigger than a Happy Meal – for example, instead of a four-piece Chicken McNugget meal, it came with six pieces – and “Mighty Kids Meal” sounded a lot more mature than “Happy Meal” did.
When I tell you … that I begged my mother to take me to McDonald’s as soon as that advertisement ended … I mean that I INSISTED that I get a Mighty Kids meal because if I didn’t, I’d never progress past the age of six for the rest of my natural life. I genuinely thought that my life would become Tuck Everlasting5 if I didn’t get a meal with two more chicken nuggets than I was used to getting at that point.
The Mighty Kids Meal was a shake. An effectively marketed product, but a total shake.
We did go to McDonald’s that day after I saw the commercial, and from that point on, you couldn’t tell me nothing. Gone were the days of coloring books and Play-Doh as I took one step closer to a lifetime filled with chest hair and wearing cologne.
Whenever someone would have the audacity to order me a Happy Meal after that point, I reacted with consternation. How could they not see that I was no mere child?
HOW COULD THEY JUST IGNORE THE FACT THAT I WAS A MIGHTY KID?!
Worst kid’s meal?
The Subway Kids Pak is an abomination. What child wants to eat a ham sandwich from a restaurant? I’m trying to get something different, not what I ate for lunch at school two days ago! Do better, Subway. Do better.
Which fast food joint has the best fountain drinks?
McDonald’s is known for having the best fountain Coke. Burger King has the best Hi-C Orange. Then there’s the Baja Blast from Taco Bell, which is the best of all three.
McDonald’s Sprite Hive has a big following, but if I’m going to be honest, drinking their Sprite is like drinking acid. It’s far too intense to be enjoyable.
What is Grimace?
I’m aware of the existence of Mayor McCheese, but he was never really a part of my McDonaldland experience growing up. It turns out that this is due to a copyright issue. Apparently, McDonald’s was sued by puppeteers Sid and Marty Krofft, who alleged that Mayor McCheese had a striking resemblance to H.R. Pufnstuf, their nightmare fuel creation.
The apple pie is undefeated.
The Drumstick Blizzard has changed my life. Just incredible ice cream engineering.
I tried reading that book back in the fifth grade and immediately had to stop because whoooo, that is some sad stuff.